Tomes and Talismans

sta, viator, heroem calcas

Thank you for letting us read your work. We’re sorry it’s not right for us at this time.

Rejection count: 12

Right, well, I use these for content, so give me something work with here, bozo.

At a Perkins in Wisconsin Dells, which is the most American thing.

Yes, I am very nervous.

At a Perkins in Wisconsin Dells, which is the most American thing.

Yes, I am very nervous.

Vending machine guy told me I look “exactly like the bad guy in that Burt Reynolds movie.”
Welp.

Vending machine guy told me I look “exactly like the bad guy in that Burt Reynolds movie.”

Welp.

Occasionally, I do regret never recording that Exile in Boystown album.

Still time, I suppose.

But does that joke become funnier, or less, the further one gets from 1996?

Kingsley famously refused to read Money because it contains a character named Martin Amis.

Couldn’t you achieve the same effect by naming him… Sam Martini? Or just like, have someone at the bar say “Martini, Sam!” and that would still allow the author the chuckle into his sleeve?

Or, it’s possible there are aspects of militant irony beyond my ken. But that seems unlikely.

Nothing happened. It never does. But it will.

Nothing happened. It never does. But it will.

My definition of a good editor is one who I think charming, who sends me large checks, praises my work, my physical beauty, and my sexual prowess, and who has a stranglehold on the publisher and the bank.

—John Cheever

SEE YOU ACE MEOWBOY…

SEE YOU ACE MEOWBOY…

Oh, shelve your Western plans.

Oh, shelve your Western plans.

"How much beer is left in the refrigerator?"

"The right amount. Because I can still fit some food in here, but not much."